I know I am going to get my balls busted for this one. That's cool. I've got iron-nuts, so they can take it---er, I can take it.

What am I referring too? Well, let me see, how do I put this both kindly and succinctly? How can I tell someone--or numerous someones!--that I have the distinct impression that they are the most pretentious collection of souls ever gathered.

I suppose you are a really 'important' person when you are out to 'change the world.' Don't get me wrong, it's not like the world doesn't need some changin' here and there. Certainly there is a lot of bullshit that get my ire up (including the pretentiousness and self-importance of the world-changing types!), so I am not immune from wanting to change the world myself. I'd like to see a little more tolerance for differences. I'd like to see a more just distribution of the world's resources. I'd like to see Civilization get off the crack that is petroleum. And I'd even like to see a certain someone with her clothes off. So, yeah, change is good.


But what happens to us and what kind of impression do we make (though I doubt the type of people I am referring to here ever worry about the impression that they make on others--as it's always about them and what they can do to 'change the outer-world;' so that their 'world' around them will more closely mirror their own reflections, as seen shimmering on the surface of Lake Narcissus--by the way, ever been there, it is really quite a lovely place!) on other people when all we are spouting is what is 'wrong with the world' and how we 'need to change the world?

Do we become insufferable creatures that occupy some distinct bardo that even Tibetan Buddhists failed to mention for fear of 'going there' to investigate it? Perhaps we do. When all we are doing is spouting rhetoric about the 'unacceptable nature of the world' at present we are sending out some icky-energy to be sure. Yes, I said 'icky!' Because that is what it feels like to me. I feel like I could get a bad-case of the spiritual cooties around here at Zaadz. Truth be told there are few places I would go here--should I say, few people?--due to a high-incidences of pretentious, self-important, look-at-what-we-are-doing behaviour.

The wierdest thing of all is that this behaviour is 'well-meaning' and 'good-intentioned.' Thousands of people commenting on the world and what is 'wrong' with it due to the 'change the world' vibe of Idealism behind the inception/conception of this particular hive.

It has left me wondering where the love is. I just saw someone else's profile--one of the top-ten Zaadzsters in terms of numbers--and there was so much hate in the purported love being touted in the spiel that went on and on to the point of inducing a bad case of nausea in me. I think I read the word 'destroy' like ten or twenty times on that one page.

But we need to love everyone, right? Well, except those who are different from us!!  ; o )


No Love = The Need To Change, So That One Can Love The New & Improved World

See, I guess that is the thing that gets me. When someone says 'I want to change the world' what is going to be changed? What is the world if not people and creatures? What is the world if not animals and insects? What is the world if not cultures and consciousnesses? What is the world if not distinct entities? So, when we say we want to 'change the world' we are essenmtially saying that we a) don't love people, beings, systems as they are, such that b) we want to change people, beings, systems by c) being able to exert control over others.

And that makes for some icky-sticky energy, I can assure you.

I may have been the most insufferable ass of all-time in my twenties. Perhaps there are a few challengers around here for that title though. Most of my reasoning and rationale for being such an asshole had to do with my deep desire to change the world. It has not been until recently that I realized how much hate was in my high-falutin' Idealism. Really, if you look closely you can sense a lot of venom in many people's supposed spirituality. Maybe no more so than those in there 20's and early 30's (a stage some people may become stuck in for some time).

Some say it is all quite natural and that we are meant to be Idealistic in our early adult years. That is a time when we are trying to 'find ourselves,' a time when we are seeking to 'make our mark on the world.' That is all well and good to the degree that we don't examine that tendency to seek to make our mark on the world around us. But when we do start to examine that thirst (and yes, it may well be a form of tahna, ala Buddhism) we have to start to ask if our 'making our mark on the world' is scarring the world, is laying the world bare and bloody, is digging into the heart of anima mundi and etching our name upon the World Soul.

Just listen to the language of 20-something Idealism (or Idealism period). 'Make your mark.' Your mark. The mark. The Mark of the Beast?

It is as if we have this notion that we are here to scar the world, to make an incision into the Body of Christ. It is as if our language speaks volumes about where we are really at in terms of our awareness (meaning, the real depth of our supposed spirituality). Making our mark is about 'leaving our footprints' so that others will know we have been here. Yet, Indigenous Peoples often speak of walking lightly upon the Earth. Even eco-friendly campers and environmentalists know the virtues of leaving a campsite as if there is no sign of anyone having been there.

In Zen Buddhism there is this teaching that points to the Enlightened as being the 'one without rank.' That one is not marked and bears no marking indicating who he or she is. There is no gaudy indication of status or rank. There is no desire to make one's mark upon the world. The world doesn't need our mark. 

Which brings me to this: my sense that there is a lot of unacknowledged Narcissism in spiritual circles such as what we might find here at Zaadz (and elsewhere of course). It is this sense that we are so very important. It is this sense of urgency that has us trampling all over sentient beings in a rush to save the world from itself. 

See, it is well-meaning and good-intentioned. That is the problem with Idealism. We know our Ideals are so pure and just that we don't need toi examine them--or the ramifgications of our holding to those Ideals so tightly, so cravenly, so life-chokingly hard. They are our Ideals. They are what give us a sense of self. We look at our Ideals like Narcissus staring into the still waters of the Lake--and they reflect back to us all that is lovely about us. Yes, we are so beautiful. Yes, we are so good. Yes, we are so lovely. This is who we wish to be: that image that looks back at us from the surface of reflective awareness. '

And then we fall in love with our Ideals to the point that we don't hear the invitations to Love from those who are not noticed by us because our vision is so fixed on the lovely nature of our Ideals as seen shimmering in our own awareness.

The Lovers that would draw us out of the Uroboric-loop of our Ideals. The Lovers who would draw us out of our 'self.' The Lovers who invite us. The imperfect one's, easily dismissed, but who open the Heart no less when we let it happen. Yes... that world... the world that changes us more than we change it.

Can we let it happen? Can we let our Ideals go so we can know what Love Is?





Addendum 2 hours later:

1) We exist in relationship to/with/as the world.

2) If one's stated goal in a relationship is to 'change' the one whom one is relating to/with then the relationship is going to be pathological... i.e., it will fail... it cannot grow... it will not develop fully to what it could be.

3) Do the preceding points suggest that the stated goal of 'changing the world' itself creates a sitaution where there ends up being a pathological relationship to/with the world?

Pretend you are in a relationship with someone. If you set out to 'change' that person what is going to happen. I think you know the answer to this one as well as I do!!  ; o ) The relationship cannot endure the conditions created by the pressure that constellates around the push to change. A much more skillful approach is to love so that change occurs naturely, innately. 

Let's not  change the world. Let's nurture the world like a gardener or husbander of animals. If all we do is provide the necessary daily requirements then the world's growth and maturity will take care of itself. Therefore, it's not change the world needs from us. It is love and constant care. Out of that atmosphere development and growth occur naturely, with no effort on our part.

Further: Do you know the pressure when someone is trying to change you---to make you fit into an image or ideal they have of you? Can we do that to the world? Can we put so much pressure on the World Soul--anima mundi, the Great Mother, Matter, whatever--such that the world becomes lost... literally? Like an adolescent young girl who doesn't know who she is because there is all of this pressure from others trying to make her be what they think she needs to be.

Do we know who or what the world is supposed to be? Do we?  

Change the world my ass. Who even knows the world well enough to know how to change, who to change, what to change. Yeah, I know, a bunch of young folks hell-bent on their own presumed greatness are going to 'change the world.' Yeah, I know, these are the new revolutionaries! Yeah... yeah... yeah. Is anyone else sick of the talk? Is anyone else fed up with the same old tired cliches. God... would someone be original please and say something worthwhile. And not that some old tired tripe about love and light and compassion (not to mention it is easy to love people on-line, and much harder and way more challenging in person, eh?)

After all, what are you really risking here in your cyber-world of love and light? What is the cost of your minimal engagements here? Are you ever going to be asked to 'act upon that love' with any more than a cute, little "I am so with you in your suffering."

Blech!! That was the sound of me throwing up, thank you very much.

No, I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the tatami mat this morning. For once I woke up on the right-side of the tatami mat! I simply can't contain myself any longer. There are just way too many cliches here at Zaadz. It feels like an incestuous community more and more everyday. And what happens when there is not enough diversity of opinion, not enough diversity of consciousness, not enough diversity of genetic make-up? Well, as you know the risk of defects and retardation increases. The unabashed purity of Zaadz makes it ripe for breeding more pathology precisley because there is not enough 'variation.'

Yes, I know... there are so many wonderful and different people here at Zaadz. Zaadz is a community of so many unique people. But what I think all of the rhetoric fails to take into account is that there is no challenge at Zaadz because the states emphasis of Zaadz draws in the like-minded and the like-minded by virtue cannot challenge one another. All they can do is confirm one another's already established views, making Zaadz a collective pool of Narcissus-gazing "isn't this great" types!

Well f%$K no it isn't great! It's great to be stretched and challenged and not swept up into your comfy little zone of 'friends' who are going to reinforce to one another how 'great everyone all is.'

Blech!!! (recall above note for meaning of 'Blech!')

The fact that I am vomiting because of a Zaadz overdose doesn't mean that there is not something to be won and gained by an involvement here at Zaadz. It just means that 'too much of anything' can make you sick. Yes.... even too much love and light. Yes.... even too much compassion and mutual suffering-with. Yes... even too much concern. It can all become all too pathological--if you know what I mean.

And I swear to God that Zaadz has crossed that threshold for me personally. It is like gorging on food to the point that smelling even your favourite dish makes you want to hurl. There eis just sop much god-damn love and light here than if anyone says they are about love and light I am going to fu%$in' kill the next god-damn vegan that crosses my path!!

(Just kidding of course---though if a vegan does come up missing in Northern Michigan you know right where to look! hello!)

Seriously though, there is not enough pathos here at Zaadz. Not nearly enough. I have been clamouring on this point for months back now. And it is only getting worse. As more and more people get drawn into Zaadz more and more are putting on that  'Love and Light Face', such that their pathos is forced to go underground. Pathos which then ends up beating at my back-door looking for someone willing to 'listen' and heed the sacred nature of the profane and the ugly, the grotesque and the boring, the mundane and the banal.

So I am telling you peeps out there. Start proclaiming the stinky nature of your own shit because my back-yard is full of shit and psychological feces. All that stuff you don't want to speak about... that you fear sharing with others because they might  'see who you really are'... it is time to express it, share it... OWN IT!

Because you know what. I know it's there. I know who it belongs to. All of you. Each and everyone of you. Each and everyone of us has a mess that Zaadz is a fine place to initially run away from. And I ain't gonna fuckin' let you run from it any longer. I am going to start throwing your personal shit right back in your 'Love and Light Face.'   ; o )

Some of you will hate me for it. Some of you already do. And that only confirms to me what I already know: that you are trying to run away from your own blessed nastiness and Zaadz is where you have chosen to run to.

Friends?? Well, let's say, are the people in your Zaadz Friends list all really your Friends? What does it mean to be a Friend?

My own personal definition based upon years of being both a friend to others as well as their being a friend to me leaves me with no sense that many of the people in my own Friends List are well.... anything close to be a Friend of Mine.

So what to do? How about eliminating Friends from your Friends List. I just did! Two peeps got axed today. I had to do it. They are both reknowned for mass mailings---you get them too, I know!--so I finally decided that they were only interested in spreading themselves thick over and into other people's lives.

Not here anymore!! And Lord does it feel good! Not because I get off on being an ass--well, maybe I get off on being an ass a little--so much as because I am valuing what a Friend means to me. So no more cheap Friends need apply. Don't ask me to be your friend along with a thousand other peeps. Don't make me part of your competition to see how many Friends you can stockpile, or how high you can climb on the list.

Here you earn friendship. It grows over time. It is developed through communication. Not a bunch of carbon-copies sent out to hundred or thousands at a time. That's not friendship. That's so fucking Corporate!!

Well, am I the first to remove a friend (or more properly speaking remove a person who was never a friend to begin with and had no intention of ever being so)? And what do you think/feel about this? Do you dare honour Real Friendship by calling the fake, superficial, counterfeit variety out for exactly what it is?

I dare you...

Will you hold my hand while I talk about my feelings? Please.... pretty please.

Will you tell me it's ok to be a 'man?' Please... pretty please.

Well, the pretentiousness of some select Zaadzsters was trumped by a collection of fellas at a Man's Meeting I went to last night. I was the invited guest of a friend. I walked out after some obligatory drumming and heated discussion with the so-called 'King.' Yes, I know. Such Medieval terminology.  ; o )

Apparently I wouldn't make a very good anthropologist. I was too frequent to interject. And if you have been to one of these Mankind Project-style meetings then you know better than to speak out of turn. All of which begs the question to me---then how the hell can you receive any feedback from those who might be able to make a keen observation on what you are sharing. Shit, you have travel 13 other dudes around the circle before you get to where you are able to speak. But that is beside the point. Why? Because you are only allowed to speak about yourself. Check this... I was reprimanded because I didn't speak in exclusively 'I-terms.'

Yeah, it is that funny!! And it gets better (though I should mention a couple of guys spoke about their daughters as an 'it.' No, not making that up either!)

So, having nothing to lose and not being one to lie down and accept arbitrar rules for the sake of 'group-think' I immediately confronted the 'King' with this issue of I-speak and how egoically-reinforcing and subjectively-isolating that kind of exclusive use of language is. Not to mention it is god-awful boring to hear a bunch of middle-aged ninnies carrying on about their childhood 40 years hence. Shit, these guys would have made Woody Allen nauseaous!!   ; o )

Can you say 'arrested development??!!'

Anyways, I walked out of the meeting in mid-step and proceeded to walk out in the woods where I saw a Doe with triplets (have never seen a female White-tailed Deer with Triplets before!) I took that immediately as a good sign. Despite the fact that I could hear some guys grunting in the background (getting in touch with their Stone-Age self I suppose!) it was a welcome reprieve from listening to more psychodrama than gets discussed at the conference for the American Psychoanalytical Society.

Can you say 'Looking back?'

I ended up finding a park where a young man--15 or so--was skateboarding. After the initial tension around wondering whether I was a sexual pervert watching young prey (what's up with that--is every man a potential perve now!!--do we have Dateline NBC and Stone Phillips to thank for that) the conversation turned towards where I had just been.

The young man (and remember 'out of the mouths of babes") mentioned something about... 'Why are they so hung up on the past? They should be looking forward to something. How can you live when you are always dwelling on what was? That would suck!).

I agreed whole-heartedly. This young man said something that would have been taboo at the Mankind Project meeting. And yet those at the meeting were taking about 'helping the world' and 'creating change.' Yet to my understanding their whole agenda and method was so retro- that they could never even approach any of their stated aims or objectives. It was like someone complaining about how they can't see where they are going while they continue to drive their car in reverse!! Well, duh!!

But I understand. I understand how people like to remain connected to their 'dramas.' Specifically their psycho-dramas. There is to me a disconcerting lack of transcendence I saw evidenced in that meeting. And I suspect it is pandemic to those sorts of groups (as well as other sorts of self-help groups that become so swamped in personal stories of psycho-drama and psycho-history that there is no room left for the kind of humour and light-heartedness that allows us to distance ourself from the past in a healthy way so we can move forward in/as the Flow of The Now and the Immediate. Because that is where healing occurs, right? How can you heal your present self by healing your past self. You can't!! You can only heal your present self by addressing the present self and how that present self keeps dredging up the past and snorting the toxic memories like they are some debilitating drug that cripple you like a spiritual tranquilizer.

But, I never got a chance to say that there. So I am saying that here!!   ; o )

And yes, the 4 Deer were Beautiful. Momma and 3 Babies... who knew better than to run from me.