What do you say to someone telling you they are going to commit suicide? Especially, what do you say if this person is your friend--if you have known him or her since childhood, if you have been throw ups and downs with this person before?

Do you try and pour hope into an empty vacuum that just sucks everything you say into pur oblivion?


I WAS ONLY WEARING MY ZAADZ T-SHIRT!!

"Let's change the world" is what it says. Right across the back, for everyone to see. There it is. Bold. Decisive. No ambiguity whatsoever. An invitation to revolution, perhaps.

My friend has seen it before. He just kind of chuckled. I was the fool. I was the naive one. I knew what he was thinking. But the other day it was different. When he saw it he just shook his head, and with that began the opening up of a whole-can of worms I never saw coming.

I knew Steve (not his real name I can assure you---though family and friends will certainly know who I am talking about) has stopped hoping some time ago. We had been on the 'Path' --as I'll call it--together for as long as I can remember being on the 'Path.' We had deep talks when other guys were chasing skirts and insobriety. We would go to the Clubs and chuckle at how silly all of of our peers were being. Actually, the truth is we didn't think of most people our own age as peers; they were just chronological peers--i.e., people of the same realtive age.

It's not that we didn't want to get laid too. Lord knows we did from time to time. It's just that we wanted to get laid with meaning. If we were going to f*&k then there was going to be some significance to it. We didn't go for the 'mindless fucking' of the drunk and inebriated masses grinding on the dance-floor like everyone was some sort of emptiness trying to be filled up by someone else.

We had a lot of good laughs that way. I smile even now when I think about it. We had our beers. We leaned back like we were cool. We took our swigs of Stout Ales and Amber-tinted 'barley pops.' And we sank into each others familiar company. At least one other person 'got it.'

I don't know if Steve smiles when he recalls those times. He doesn't seem to smile much at all anymore. When we talk he just talks about how dis-illusioned he is. Rather, he doesn't say he is 'disillusioned' with life. Those are my words. I feel like he is disillusioned. He gives me that vibe. I am increasingly struck by how 'nothing matters to him anymore.'

Perhaps I would be in his shoes and we would be contemplating suicide together. Maybe we would go on a reckless car ride and taunt the Gods to take us out around the next sharp bend in the road ahead. Maybe that would have been happening if I hadn't become a Father for the first time a year ago. And now that I mention it Steve's latest transformation began this past year.

I have not been able to spend as much time with my best friend. Having new duties and responsibilities---and a whole new level of love and joy, meaning and significance (yeah, it really does do that to you, and so much more)--in my being a parent has left Steve maybe feeling like he is alone. Maybe I don't 'get it' anymore and he feels like he is alone in 'getting it' now. I am just one of the parental drons doting on his or her child. Just like all the other compliant sheep.

'Change The World My Ass!'

Steve has been drinking more than normal. I could tell. Sometimes when I show up on Saturday night (those Saturday nights when I am not gigging) he has started ahead of me and is a beer or two up on me. We usually just plit a six-pack. Hardly ever do we have more than 3 or 4 a piece. But last night was different. Steve was primed to beat all hell. I knew things had not been like they were before, and it had been this way for months now. Steve was more impatient with me. He got touchy about subjects and would argue. It was like he wanted increasing verbal confrontations. Like I said, he finally went off about the Zaadz T-shirt.

'Huh!'

Spoken by Steve in that disgusted tone of voice I thought to myself... 'Uh-oh, here we go.'

And go we did. Steve didn't wait for me. 'You don't belive that silly bullshit do you? Why the fuck do you wear that damn shirt. It makes you look like a moron.'

'A moron to who, Steve? A moron to you? You think I am a moron just  because I am wearing this shirt? It's just a shirt Steve. It doesn't mean I am out on the street corner with the Apocalyptic Preachers fighting for the attention of every passer-by?'

'Might as well be... you'd fit right in Deej. You could go out and tell everyone what a wonderful world this is now that you are a Daddy. Yeah, you could go out and collect everyone's birth control from them so everyone could have kids like you. The more the merrier right?'

'What the hell is wrong with you Steve? You know I don't feel that way! Besides, so fucking what!! I love my son. I am in awe damn near everyday about something now! Shit... is that so bad a thing? You just pissed because I don't go around and cynically reign on the whole human parade anymore? You just pissed because there is some sense of significance I have that you don't?'

'Significance??!! Is that what you think you have? How about delusion!! That's what you have! You just think there is more meaning and significance to your life now.... just like millions of other delusional parental-units like yourself. Problem is, you want to spread that delusion like it is the Gospel. Ooooohhh.... look how happy I am. Here, let me show you a photo of my precious baby. God.... can I puke now!! Blech!!'

'That's how you see me Steve? You really think of me like that? Do you think I changed that much in the past year... so much so that 37 previous years matter little, if at all?'

'Deej.... you said it yourself! You say it all the time.... 'I can't believe how much having a child has changed me.... Blahddie... Blah... Blah.... Blah!!'

'Well it has! So shoot me for being honest about my own subjective experience. I am just relating what is going on with me. It is just a report. No need to kill the messenger.'

'Yeah... you are right.... no need to kill the messenger. Better just to kill the one who has to receive it against his own wishes.'

'What???'

'You heard me. Better to eliminate the recipient of the message. Then you have nowhere to go with your delusional talk about the beauty of parenthood.... or if you do... at least it won't be to me.'

'Steve.... come on man.... don't be like that.'

'Then be like what Deej? Huh? How do you want me to fucking be!! HHmmmm...... You tell me Daddy.... You tell me how you fucking think I should act. Program me! Go righta fucking head. Do it Deej! Tell me. Tell me how I should act and what I should believe. Tell me to be happy like you. Tell me to look on the 'bright-side' of things. Come on! I'm waiting!! Let me have it. And you better do it quick cuz you don't have much time!'

'Hey.... Steve... settle down.... man... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like I was talking down to you. I was just....'

'You were just what Deej. You were just caring? Is that it? You're concerned about me? You care about me? Huh? Is that it?

'Dude... you know I love you man! We have been through so much shit together. Nothing's changed.'

Then tell me Deej... why does your shirt say what it does? 'Let's change the world.'

Steve is not the kind of guy who is going to play up his disaffection with life for sympathy from others. He is pretty stoic emotionally. It's not like he is trying to get people to beg him to continue along a course he is no longer interested in. When he is done he is done. And if you think you are going to go to Steve and convince him to live for all the 'right reasons' you are wasting your breath. Don't bother.

This is how Steve has put it to me:

'The last thing I want people to think of me is that I am some sort of emotional basketcase. I didn't just have a bad day, Deej, and then get all emotionally unbalanced to the point of becoming suicidal. I didn't just forget to take my meds man!! Heck, I have meditated on the nature ... the meaning... the significance of Death as long as I can remember. I know I am going to die. I know this body-mind is not made for Eternity. I understand it is all going to fade away---with a whimper or a shout. The question for me is how do I want to go out.

Do I want to let cancer take me unsuspectingly? Do I wait for the Bus to hit me as I absent-mindedly cross the street one day? Do I wait for a terrorist attack with Dick Cheney out on a hunting trip? Tell me Deej... how do you want to die: by your hand or by someone else's... or this vague thing we call 'Fate'?"

I know Steve has thought about Death and Dying alot. We both did for many years. We would discuss the best and worst ways to Die. It as if we were Stars and had chosen to become Supernovas: to go out with a bang! To make a statement in dying. And to, above all, make it anything but an accident.

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Steve's rant to me last Saturday also included something about why he was contemplating his own impending voluntary exit from the World-Stage. I remember him saying something about us (humanity, I took him as meaning) needing to make a distinction between disaffection with Life as a whole and disaffection with Culture/Civilization---i.e., the human-generated constructs we all live within, as, and through.

I wish I could remember exactly what he said, as it was truly inspired at the time. I'll try to recapitulate his thoughts as best I can. And Steve, I am sorry if I mess up---you'll just have to join Zaadz and speak for yourself!!  ; o )

'Deej, do you think everyone that chooses the voluntary exit does so because they are 'life-haters?' Do you really think that acts of suicide are statements against Life inthe form of Planets and Solar Systems and Stars and Flowers and Rivers and Streams? Do you really suppose that someone is thinking.... 'Fuck you Yellowstone! You suck and I'll be glad to never see your face again?'

That would be silly, wouldn't it Deej? That would be stupid, right?

'Well... yeah.... of course.'

'Yet what is the rhetoric against voluntary exits from the world? Isn't it that everyone who chooses that path must hate Life in all its forms? Isn't the rhetoric such that it makes it sound or seem like anyone who take the path of the voluntary exit must be a player-hater? That they hate or despise Life, period? That they don't want to exist, at all, right?'

'Yeah... I totally get what you are saying here. That there needs to be a distinction made between existence-as-such and existence-within-systems.'

'Well, if you want to put it like that, yes, sure. I would put it like this, though: that suicide is not a blasphemy against God and Life and Spirit and Source and Suchness. People don't get fed up with the Buddha and Christ!! They are choosing to exit the realms of Mara and the Anti-Christ Deej!!' 

'It's like they are trying to unplug from the Matrix.'

'Leave it to you to bring in the pop-culture reference! But yeah.... it is not like those taking the path of the voluntary exit are trying to not to exist period. They are oftentimes just making a statement to Civilization and Culture that as Primordial Beings they will not exist under certain conditions.... or, as you put it.... they cannot exist-within-certain-systems.'

'It's kind of like ecology, isn't it?'

'What do you mean?'

'We know that every creature requires the prior existence of a certain habitat (ecology) in order to not just survive.... but to thrive. That apart from that habitat they cannot exist.'

'Yeah Deej.... that's it.... exactly! You do still get it! Sweet, parenthood has not completely deluded you!'

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That's my friend Steve. I wish everyone could be so lucky as to know a pain-in-the-ass like him!!!    ; o )   Love ya Steve!!
  

I saw Steve last Saturday evening for what may be our last Saturday get-together for awhile. I told him I had some gigs coming up and my weekends would be full. He seemed to accept it, though he did look away, and divert his gaze, suggesting to me that there may have been some feelings of rejection on his part.

I also invited Steve to Uriah's 1st birthday party. I wish he could just let himself go. He has spent so much time on the outside looking in--always the cool observer--that something as simple as involving himself in the celebration of a child's 1st year on Earth is painful. He told me as much. He told me as much in his body language. He started squirming in his seat right away. It was like he was already looking for an excuse (even though I know he has nothing to do, nowhere to go). It is so lame. I ended up telling him as much. I guess it was my turn to rant.

When I went off I didn't think about Steve or his so-called tenuous state of existence. He likes to make people think he is on the edge... some sort of precipice... and if you dare offend him (though he likes to offend everyone else) you will be responsible for pushing him over the edge. In all honesty Steve--if you read this--you know I think it is a pretty heady Power-Trip you get on when you do that. You like to think you are not at all emotional in your tenuous relationship with existence, but you force others to tread lightly for fear of guilt and shame in saying something that 'pushes you off your little perch' and into the abyss.

Honestly, I think it is cheap to do that to people. Here is my decades-long Buddy taking a stance of indifference and dis-illusionment with the world, and yet subtly--as an undercurrent, in the background--there is this vibe I feel around him that puts me on edge. I feel like I have to tread lightly and censor myself for fear of the repercussions that Steve himself suggests are imminent.

That sucks! Steven and I have always prided ourselves on being honest with each other. So here you have it Steve (a continuation from Saturday's rant).


THE LOADED GUN

I'd like to think I am above and beyond handing someone hell-bent on suicide a loaded weapon. And yet, at some point in time I get sick of the talk (which often means the subtle manipulations of others that goes along with the suicide pose). "Just do it then!" I feel like saying. Shit or get off the pot! I mean, if you were really that serious about what you say you are serious about then why would you go on talking about it everytime the conversation comes around to you. Is it your way of controlling the mood of our relationship? Is it your way of maintaining the power to determine the course and contours of our exchanges? And if it is then quit being such a God-damned Narcissus!

I am sorry.... but I thought a friendship was supposed to be an exchange.... a communion.... a process of reciprocity---of giving and receiving.

I told Steve I was personally offended that he made no effort to spend time with Uriah. It was as if he could give a shit that he was alive or not. I mean we are talking friends here!! I have and know superficial acquaintances who have spent more time with Uriah than a best friend! What the fuck is that??

Ohhh.... and about that birthday party... I am sorry it can't be all about you Steve.

Steve sent me a letter in the mail. I don't think I have ever received a letter from Steve before (well, apart from the 2 years I was in the United States Navy, when we shared letters and phone-calls on a somewhat consistent basis). To say I was shocked to receive a letter from Steve would be an understatement. I immediately feared the worst. Before I even opened up the letter to see what was in it I called Steve's house.

He answered. 'Whew!' I thought. His voice even sounded like he was in a good mood.

'What's up Deej?'

'I just got your letter in the mail.'

'Did you read it?'

'Hell no! As soon as I saw who it was from I called your house to see if you were still...

'Aw come on Deej. Give me more credit than that!!'

'Well, can you blame me? How the hell was I supposed to know. I immediately assumed the worst. I figured it was your last will and testament.'

'You should know me better than that. I told you I wasn't going to enact any of the cliches of suicide. I am way too much of an egotist for that. When I go it is going to be 'special?'


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Our conversation lightened up from that point on. It was the first in some time that I remember joking with Steve, He commented on the fact that he felt relieved and lighter as he had come to some realizations because of what I had been sharing on my blog at Zaadz. He even apologized for putting me in such a tough position as a friend. He went so far as to say he wouldn't want to be in my shoes---that if I were coming to him with the same stuff he wouldn't know quite how to deal with his best-friend telling him he had no desire to stick around any longer.

'Just don't take it personally Deej,' he told me. 'When this all goes down I want you to know I value and appreciate our friendship no matter what. I won't judge you for what you do or don't say. Some of that shit you have been writing is tough-stuff, and I can see why you would think I was manipulating you emotionally by intimating my own imminent exit. This shit ain't easy. I still don't quite have it worked out yet how I am going to pull this off..... so why should I expect you to know what to say to me. Again, I don't expect you to beg and plead and argue with me..... and if you do.... then I don't expect you not too either!'

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Steve's letter (excerpted with his permission) contains a more explicit rationale for why he is set on taking the route he says he is as committed to---just as committed as the Dalai Lama is committed to his vow of celibacy (good one Steve!).

'I want people to question the supposed superiority of the human race. This notion that we are privileged and blessed above all other creatures has always seemed questionable at best, and a total fabrication at worst. I just have never seen myself as above and beyond the fray; like the way most humans have come to exercise their right to demand the near-infinite numbers of killings for the sake of not just their needs.... but their desires. That is not a way of life that I buy into! And never will!

"I don't think I should ask untold numbers of other creatures to die just so that I might live... and live more abundantly. It seems a crock to me. I mean, why should I not be a sacrifice for other creatures Deej? Why should we all not be a sacrifice for the sake of another creature's abundance and health? Why should I not be a meal for the starving Wolf or the near-extinct Jaguar? Why? Wouldn't it be better to give myself for the sake of diversity' (Steve's italics)? Doesn't that make more moral and ethical sense to you: that if I am a proponent of a diverse world then I as a human-being will choose to exit the World-Stage so that other creatures are not extinguished through my daily need to consume.... through my daily need to desire.... through my daily need to impose my will on the natural world around me.

"Think about it Deej. The world is not experiencing a shortage of human-beings.... yet there is and are shortages (ongoing extinctions and eliminations for centuries now) of other creatures that make this-world the diverse playground of the Gods that it has been, was, and always has the potential to be. It is just that humans are usurping that diversity and homogenizing the Planet. That is what Globalization is: Globalization is the Homogenization of a once diverse diorama.

"It is the collapse of possibility at the ontological level of being Deej. Less diverse ontologies Dave.... not more.... that's what Globalization offers. Just mark my words."

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