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authenticity
December 2007 
Steve's Letter No. 2
David Jon
In Steve's letter there was far more than what I shared last time. I consciously skimmed over mentioning some of the parts of Steve's letter that had to do with me. Some of it struck way too close to home.
I've always appreciated Steve's radical honesty (sometimes I even think the guy is incapable of lying completely, to the point where some of his relationships have clearly suffered---uhm, can you say, 'social graces,' Steve?). ;o ) Anyway, Steve and I have always shared a desire for honesty and transparency in human relationships. It was sensed as lacking by both of us, so we swore to always be honest with each other. No matter what. Not sparing thought of a single feeling. Never worring to offend the other. Just be honest.
Steve, in my opinion has taken this to a level far beyond what I have. I still go along and promise to do things that I don't really want to do when someone asks me---'Oh yeah, sure.... I would be happy to.' I still lie. I am still caught up in a web of relationships where I feel forced to go along with someone else's agenda in order to maintain peace.... in order to maintain a relationship.
This is what Steve busted my balls for. He sees my complicity in lying for social reasons as enmeshing me in relationships that I would not otherwise freely choose to be in. He as much as called me a 'slave' in his letter. He attributed some of his recent disaffection with this-world to me. He said I had let him down. Me! That he always felt like he had at least one comrade in this-world... and that I was that one.... but that in the past year and a half (pretty much since my son Uriah's conception) I have begun exhibiting tendencies and doing things that he asks me to consider are possibly against my Nature.
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"You know I love you Deej. We have been through so much shit together. Most people will never understand what we have meant to one another. I know. And because I know I have to tell you you are disappointing me. Yes, I know you have a son now. That's cool. But is having a son any reason to compromise and totally throw your soul away just so you can fit into some image of what others expect of you as a parent?
"See, you think I have lost a little fire for living. You are questioning me Deej. But what about you? Do you ever wonder what I see in you? Do you ever wonder why I don't want to come around to a Birthday Party for Uriah? Do you really ever ask me? Or do you just assume you already know the answer: that I am some big Dick who doesn't care?
"I do care Deej. I probably care more than most. That's a lareg part of my problem. I actually give a shit about something more than 'society' and 'social norms' and 'fitting in' and 'keeping up with the Joneses' and 'status' and all of the games people play to try and 'one-up' their neighbors. And that caring is why I am going to tell you why I didn't show up to Uriah's Birthday Party.
"1. You don't get along with the other-side of Uriah's family (his mother's side, I should add). And if you do it is all an act.
"You remember those talks we have had Deej? I do. I know how you really feel. I know what you have told me. Those are not the kind of people you would ever choose to hang out with if you had an option of doing so. I do have an option, and as your friend I refuse to spend time with people who I clearly cannot share a single meaningful word with. They are loud, obnoxious, and ill-mannered. And you know it. But you just grin and bear it. For who? For Uriah? Is that how you teach him Deej.... to be inauthentic like that? Are you teaching him to cover over his real feelings? Teaching him to lie to himself and everyone around him about how he really feels about certain people and situations? Are you modelling that to your son?
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Can I just say, 'Ouch!' here, before I continue with more of Steve's letter?
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"I am not asking you to take parenting advice from me Deej. You know better of me than that. All I am asking you is to think about the subtle little ways in which you have given your soul away in the last year and a half in order to maintain an illusion of peace and stability for Uriah.
"Get that? It's not real Deej!! You don't really want to spend time with certain people. You don't. Shit I don't. Shit even people amongst that family can't stand to be around each other!! So why force it? Why make an illusion of togetherness when there is not the spirit of togetherness present? Why do it? Why put on the show? Why manufacture the lie?
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This is where some real soul-searching begins for me.
Access: Public
Hi David Jon,
Living in Eugene, I know several folks with similar idealism. It is beautiful, but also creates a lot of pain (obviously.) Another approach is to say, yes, it is all true - I lie, I am honest, I am inauthentic, I am authentic, I spend time with people I like, I spend time with people I don't like that much and make the best out of it - and it is all part of being human. We all do it, and it is OK. In seeing the fuller picture and being (somewhat) at peace with it, it is all given a chance to change and mature (a far better chance than if I battle it, which only tends to make everything more entrenched.)
In any case, seems like a fruitul tension…!
Per
Please pardon me for commenting on the comment and not the post (although i suppose i am commenting on both), but Per, as inclusive as your words might make one feel, they speak to me of a blind disconnect from the ideal you find so beautiful. I suppose no one ever gets it exactly right, particularly from outside observation.
The ideal speaks of this: Honor is the keystone of trust. It is lies–and people's expectations, in the case of a social grace, that they should hear what they want to stroke their ill-conceived externally driven self-image (a lie to uphold a lie)–that creates the pain you mention; it is not the honesty. From this place that society breaks down.
It is true that some people cannot handle the truth about themselves–in such cases all that must be done is to simply not tell them. If you believe a thing ugly, honor does not bind you to say it is ugly; it does bind you to not lie and say that you believe that it is beautiful.
If people would desist in their lying and flawed moralistic justification of same, particularly that “we all do it”‡ variety, we might find that society understood more the concept of trust. As it stands, with almost everybody compromising honesty on the altar of the easy moment in time, society is built on the premise mistrust–this is why people cry that government must care for them–because they do not believe that the general citizen will care when they are sick or aged…and if they say they would care for the downtrodden, they are probably lying because when push comes to shove, it’s not really their problem is it? And isn’t covering ones own shortcomings self serving? I don’t buy that the little lie was for the benefit of someone else and neither will a watching child forming understandings of trust.
If children observe that dishonesty is par for the course and hear that a little white lie harms no one, where will one find honor and integrity in the future? How will they learn healthy trust? Everybody doesn’t do it. If our children cannot walk in a society where a man is trustworthy, at least let them be trustworthy as they walk in society.
I would concede that most people spend time with people that they would rather not. For me I make this choice based on how much I want to be there, why, and with the purpose of the occasion in mind…it’s not dishonest to spend time with people you would rather not. It’s not even dishonest to maintain decorum. But there are times when the effort would require more energy than I have to give–in such times, I go somewhere else.
D.
‡ it’s hard to tell to what “it” refers so I am taking it as if you were referring to the laundry list preceding.
A subject close to my heart. It's late and I'm not sure I will be able to share coherently. Lovely posts, everyone.
For me the first step always is to be honest with myself. Sounds easy, but it isn't. How lacking in self-awareness I have been in my life - so much so that I had no idea I was not being 'authentic'. I just felt 'off' and carried on doing whatever it was I was doing - usually blaming others for the way I was feeling.
So often I have thought/acted automatically without slowing down to actually feel what I was feeling in a given situation.
The more aware I am of where I lie, where I compromise, and the more aware I am of what drives me to be dishonest, the easier it is to live truthfully, and more compassionately - with myself and with others.
And often it is others who support me to 'see' how I am. Thankfully I have a large community of friends who are willing to take the risk to tell me if they sense something is off, or hidden, or denied, or dishonest in my actions or words - or even if they don't know what it is specifically, I will get feedback that 'something is going on'. We need others to see ourselves.
I believe in Radical Honesty ( do you know the book? It's good). And I have seen how it's possible to be 'radically honest' simply to get my own way - or to dump the feelings I have onto the person I'm having them about - so I feel better. Manipulation and self-absorption, not honesty.
So I'm with you, Per, in 'seeing the bigger picture' - as best as we can given our tiny little points of view!
Staying in touch with the present moment, staying breathing, slowing down, listening more and speaking less - are the only ways I know how to open out my heart & vision, and to see what is happening - inside myself, and for others. From this place I have more clarity to choose what to do: to leave a situation, to tell someone something 'difficult', to stay because a specific uncomfortable situation is teaching me something…. or?
And it is my experience that if I tell the 'truth' - as it is for me, something beautiful happens. I am heard, and mostly other people feel heard too - what is happening for me is usually happening for others. By telling the 'truth' in this way, something seems to open up in the situation and with the people I share with. If, however, I tell the truth, as if it is absolute - then I would say I am simply telling another lie, and the situation and the people I share with (including myself) become hard and impenetrable & we all carry on as before.