No Response.... (Er... uhm... No Response-Ability??)

I haven't heard from Steve since I responded to his letter. This is the longest period of time we have not communicated since we have known each other. That's more than 25 years!! I am assuming he didn't like what I had to say. Guess honesty and truthfulness don't have as big a place in some people's lives as they might otherwise confess they do. ______________________________________________________________ That is the irony in this, isn't it? Steve begged me to look at myself and be more honest with 'where I was at' relative to 'who I was.' So that is what I did. Yet the outcome is obviously other than what my friend had supposed it would be (or at least this is what I am assuming due to his refusal to answer my repeated phone-calls). I guess Steve didn't know who I was--or who I had become. I guess I did change. I guess I am different. I look at my priorities now compared to what they once used to be and I can notice the difference. I have changed. My values have changed. Life has granted me Fatherhood status and I am not willing to deny that gift. Maybe Steve wants me to continue along the same trajectory that he and I once were on. Maybe that happens to us in life. Maybe friends and family do 'lose touch with us' when the Universe calls us to new obligations. ________________________________________________________________ The big insight came for me when I realized that Steve was not my responsibility. It is his life. It is his choice. If he wants to go out in flames then who am I to deny him that. I can't determine whether or not he does or doesn't take his life. I can't talk him out of suicide is he is bound and determined to do so. You can only throw someone a life-vest so many times. It is up to them to grab it. The other person's response-ability is to hang on. I can't pull Steve to shore if he is not willing to hang on. _________________________________________________________________ Still, Steve was my best-friend for over 25 years (I just noticed I wrote WAS!). I know something has happened that has broken the bond we once had. It is not the same anymore. In that mauc Steve was right. I guess he was just assuming I was being 'fake' and 'inauthentic' because things had 'changed between us.' So he felt need to call me on that. He did call me on that. I responded. I am still responding. Everyday I respond in light of the choices I am making to be a response-able Father. That is my primary duty. If I shirk that obligation in trade for others I know I would never be able to forgive myself for that (besides, Uriah is one awesome cat and anyone blessed to be his Dad would be a fool to not want to be wholly present to love and support him). __________________________________________________________ Wow! It just hit me. I hadn't seen this until just now. Steve... are you jealous?? Are you upset because I have been blessed with Fatherhood? because I have a son? because I understand more than ever what real love and connectedness are? What if you.... Steve... are down on life because you are not sharing in this experience with me? What if you really don't 'get it?' What if it is not me, Steve? What if it is you? What if you are the one with the dishonesty and the inauthenticity? What if there are dreams and desires in you that you are not 'giving birth'--metaphorically speaking? What if you are coming down on me--and have been--because you have been fighting those voices inside yourself? What if you don't need suicide Steve.... but, instead, a birthing of dreams you have too long denies? I mean, you can't be alone and hate the so-called 'world' forever can you? What are you fighting Steve? Really?